It may be hard to believe, but we are approaching the 30th installment of professional wrestling’s premier event, Wrestlemania. Though with his current hatred of the word wrestling, I’m sure Vince McMahon wishes he could rename it Sports-Entertainmentmania. This is a momentous milestone, as the Roman numeral for 30 is XXX, which reminds us of porn. And really, where else this side of gay porn will you find so many oiled-up, well muscled men in tights rolling around?
This is so big that WWE 2K14 contains a “30 Years Of Wrestlemania” mode. Never mind that there’s only been 29 years of Wrestlemania so far. Video game consoles peaked with the Super Nintendo, and WWF Royal Rumble is the best game ever. It allows you the visceral thrill of having Shawn Michaels bodyslam Yokozuna. And there’s the thrilling titular rumble, that allows for six wrestlers in the ring at a time! To put it in perspective, the Gamecube’s Day Of Reckoning game could only handle four guys at a time.
It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when Wrestlemania was simply a pipe dream and viewed as a risky venture. Much like the first Super Bowl. Except nowadays, the NFL makes money by charging advertisers exorbitant prices whereas WWE makes money by charging viewers exorbitant prices.
As someone who recently sat through all the Wrestlemanias in chronological order—but more importantly, as a jackass with internet access—I feel I’m well qualified to give an informed opinion on the evolution of the granddaddy of ‘em all. With 30 weeks left until the big event (maybe, I'm not bothering to count), I will be posting a new review every week (give or take).
WRESTLEMANIA
Or: In An Alternate Universe, This Bankrupted Vince McMahon And We Were Spared Katie Vick
I was only 4 years old at the time, so I can’t provide a proper context for the state of wrestling at the time. Personally, the event itself doesn’t seem all that much different from the loaded supercards they used to run at Madison Square Garden. No, how the WWF truly changed the business was the introduction of pay-per-view events. Except that it was actually closed-circuit television and the NWA already beat them to the punch with Starrcade a year and a half earlier.
Maybe how Wrestlemania changed the game was getting celebrities to come in for a quick paycheck. Not that I don’t think Liberace didn’t not do a good job with his timekeeping duties (quadruple negative, go me!). That man deserves an induction into the Hall Of Fame.
Like I said, the show itself wasn’t anything special. It was sold completely on Hulk Hogan’s and Mr. T’s celebrity status. Hogan was the closest thing American wrestling had to El Santo in terms of ridiculous popularity and ludicrous film careers. Well, at least until The Rock made that tooth fairy movie. And Mr. T (First name: Mister, Middle name: Period, Lastname: T) was a legit tough guy at the time, though not yet a bad ass baracus.
Roddy Piper hadn't made "They Live" yet, or even "Body Slam" for that matter, so his celebrity status hadn't quite been cemented past racist drunk who beat up on Cyndi Lauper. And hey, 2 of those 3 things ain't bad.
Some things of note. Apparently, time in the WWF works differently. King Kong Bundy’s and S.D. Jones’ 9 second match actually lasts 24 seconds. Perhaps Liberace should’ve kept time for this match as well.
Tito Santana must have iron-clad credibility. He managed to get a referee—without contemplation, discussion, or review—to reverse a decision. Now if he would only have used it to reverse McMahon’s decision to turn him into El Matador.
Throughout the whole thing, Jesse Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon sell everything like champs. If you were simply listening to their commentary and not watching the actual matches, you might believe the claims of Wrestlemania being the greatest sports event of all time.
If I had to give a match of the night—and mind you, I don’t have to, but I will anyway—it’ll go to Pre-IRS Mike Rotunda and Pre-Stalker Barry Windham vs Pre-Corporate lackey Nikolai Volkoff and Post-Sanity Iron Sheik. Not that it was particularly great, but all four guys put in solid work,and I’ve always been a sucker for old-school USA vs Not USA matches.
